The christmas jingle

Christ­mas is the time of having fun, get­ting pres­ents and eating. And we all hope you’re having fun in that sen­se. But as you can ima­gi­ne TMIs don’t stop with christ­mas.
In a broad sen­se Christ­mas is a ying and yang thing. You give pres­ents, you get pres­ents, you visit peop­le, peop­le visit you, you’re eating tons of food and meet that stuff again…

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Well, in hoping you’re going to lis­ten also to other christ­mas tunes this year: Mer­ry Christ­mas whe­re­ver you are!

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The coco scent

It’s christ­mas time. It’s time to get some pres­ents for the beloved. Most guys are known for not being too smart in cho­sing the right pre­sent. So they bet­ter lis­ten to their girls becau­se if girls know their guys they drop their wis­hes in what they say from time to time. Other­wi­se they have to think about it them­sel­ves and risk to cho­se exact­ly the wrong item.
Drink­bour­bon
clear­ly has snif­fed on the wrong item:

retiredhookersmenstrualflow

Is it just the meta­phor drink­bour­bon wants to point out or the rich­ness of scents he has smel­led so far?

I’m not jea­lous of him having the­se smell expe­ri­en­ces if it’s that what he’s tal­king about. A young hooker’s mens­tru­al flow must be more attrac­tive to him in that case, alt­hough that kind of sub­s­tan­ces ain’t some­thing that is kept in your body for years.

Any­way, I still haven’t impro­ved in tel­ling you how to get the best pre­sent. Cho­sing the right pre­sent just doesn’t seem to be a guy’s thing.

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The fucking star

Some­ti­mes the­re are dis­cus­sions star­ting becau­se of head­lines of dai­ly papers. Last week such a head­line in Ger­ma­ny dealt with the sexu­al life of a star.

The­re must be some­thing about dis­cus­sing the fre­quen­ci­es of stars having sex. David Duchov­ny thinks he has to much and more peop­le are inte­rested in that topic than in his tv show, whe­re he’s play­ing a guy having too much sex. Whe­re­as in the USA that topic is more an object of humour it was taken more serious­ly in Luxem­bourg:

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In english: “Fuck! I read while get­ting rolls: Heino’s got more sex than me. Dir­ty old prick.”

Hei­no is a ger­man folk music star who tur­ned 70 last satur­day and told the press he’s having sex 3 times a week. So in this case it’s not just about being inte­rested in the sexu­al habits of a star. It’s about com­pa­ring your own sexu­al life to that of a star. Papier­frau seems to be the loser of that com­pa­ri­son, which means she’s having sex less than three times a week. I guess what you think right about now is: How much is okay?

Anyhow to Papier­frau the sub­ject is not a nice one, eit­her due to not having a sexu­al life that’s worth making a head­line of or due to losing a com­pa­ri­son about having sex to a 70 year old folk music star.

It even gets worse as she cat­ches a glimps of the head­lines on the next morning:

altersack2

In english: “The media still deal with Heino’s sexu­al life. I don’t want to get infor­med about that, becau­se if, I’ll start figu­ring that sce­ne *fear*”

What a curious thing about the human brain. Alt­hough neit­her Heino’s music nor the ima­gi­na­ti­on of Hei­no having sex seem to be enjoya­ble occur­ren­ces to papier­frau it’s still inte­res­ting at first glace to think about the fre­quen­ces of him having sex.

It doesn’t help her anyhow and just keeps piling TMIs.

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The brownie

It’s one sto­ry bet­ween women and men that women always try to get their guys to sit on the toi­let. Stan­ding in front of it may be healt­hi­er for men but in most rela­ti­ons­hips it sim­ply means more work for women to clean ever­y­thing after­wards. Or they think it’s more hygie­nic wit­hin the bathroom as men sit down.
I think, my ladies, you won’t be able to edu­ca­te men that way. Just have a look at scot­ty­moon.

scottybrown

How robust men can be if the situa­ti­on affords it.

They do not let any­thing dis­turb their way of life as long as they know what’s to be done. And they don’t give up plans as new pre­con­di­ti­ons come up. Even if it is in form of a smel­ly, brown, flab­by sub­s­tan­ce qui­te near to them.

Somehow it would never ever occur to men in scotty’s situa­ti­on to clean the toi­let first befo­re doing what they we’re pla­ning to do as they enter the bathroom. Just think about how abstru­se that thought is: Men con­s­i­de­ring about clea­ning the toi­let first befo­re having a piss.

And is the­re still anyo­ne to think edu­ca­ti­on is the right thing to do here?

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The python

In 1968 John Clee­se, the well known mem­ber of Mon­ty Python, did a tv show cal­led How to irri­ta­te peop­le. There’s no need to say that he is a spe­cia­list, when it comes to com­bi­ning the irri­ta­ti­on of peop­le with humour.
In 2008 Mon­ty Python appeared in the inter­net per­so­nal­ly for, well I don’t real­ly know what for. But they are the­re. And they irri­ta­te and amu­se as if not­hing had hap­pen­ed in the last 40 years. How inte­res­ting to see the­re still so much room for them to act like that. John Clee­se seems to be the most active one of them, having an own blog and an own twit­ter account.

And the­re he says things like this:

Ha?

Ha!’ means you know some­thing. Some­thing of inte­rest. Some­thing of impor­t­an­ce? Some­thing we need to know? Defi­ni­te­ly some­thing he’s hiding from his fol­lo­wers.

You see how easy it is to irri­ta­te peop­le: Just hide some infor­ma­ti­on from someo­ne and show wit­hin a short utter­an­ce that the­re is some kind of infor­ma­ti­on he might be inte­rested in. That he could even­tual­ly be in need of. Even if he doesn’t have a tiny clue what that kind of infor­ma­ti­on that could be.

John keeps that infor­ma­ti­on for about 7 hours. And 7 hours in twit­ter are a life­time. You can dri­ve with your car from Lon­don to Paris in 7 hours.

Final­ly he comes back and…

enjoys kee­ping his secret.

You think I just made that up? Have a look:

johncleese3

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Der Weltuntergang

Alles begann mit einer Pres­se­mit­tei­lung in der letz­ten Woche…

Irgend­wann muss­te es halt mal sein. Ewig wür­de sich die Welt nicht hal­ten, davon hät­te man nicht aus­ge­hen kön­nen. Die Mit­tei­lung mach­te in Twit­ter schnell die Run­de:

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Wer jetzt kein Haus hat­te, der bau­te sich kei­nes mehr. Unter­schlupf wur­de aber wei­ter­hin gesucht:

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Der­weil warf das Unheil ers­te Schat­ten:

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… und hek­tisch wur­den die letz­ten Din­ge gere­gelt…

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Ja, aber nur weil da jemand den Hape macht, lässt sich der Wel­ten Lauf doch nicht auf Ter­min­ver­schie­bun­gen ein.

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Nein, nein, der Welt­un­ter­gang war wei­ter­hin für den mor­gi­gen Tag vor­ge­se­hen, auch wenn man im Rhein­land schon auf­plus­ternd anfing zu strei­ten, wo das Event sei­ne Erst­auf­füh­rung haben soll­te.

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Nicht ein­mal in Zei­ten des Unheils wird man Rhein­län­der zusam­men­schwei­ßen kön­nen. Aber noch war nichts gesche­hen, noch konn­te man die alte Welt gebüh­rend ver­ab­schie­den. Noch konn­te man in Ruhe kon­sta­tie­ren:

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Eine gewis­se Span­nung unter den Twit­te­rern konn­te aber nicht abge­strit­ten wer­den, das Unheil nah­te schließ­lich. Zeit für letz­te Vor­be­rei­tun­gen :

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Leich­ter gesagt als getan…

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Und dann war es lang­sam soweit. Das Licht wur­de gedimmt…

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… die letz­ten Pro­ben waren abge­schlos­sen …

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… und die ers­te Begeis­te­rungs­stür­me waren zu hören, als der Vor­hang gelüf­tet wur­de und das Schau­spiel begann:

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Wäh­rend eini­ge noch ungläu­big wirk­ten…

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Wur­de er andern­orts schon klar iden­ti­fi­ziert:10

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Ja und wie war er nun, der Welt­un­ter­gang?

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Also eher ent­täu­schend? Naja, was hat man denn auch erwar­tet? In Zei­ten der Finanz­kri­se hat Petrus auch kei­ne Kapa­zi­tä­ten mehr für so einen umwer­fen­den Welt­un­ter­gang mit allem Pipa­po, da muss man sich auch ein­mal mit weni­ger zufrie­den geben. Oder eben trick­sen…

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Naja, sooo kann ich das auch.

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The boy’s taste

I used to think for a long time that I was able to get into a good con­ver­sa­ti­on with peop­le having the stran­gest opi­ni­ons. And it took qui­te a while befo­re I reco­gni­zed that that was an over­esti­ma­ti­on of my capa­ci­ties. The­re are peop­le I’m too unwil­ling to get into con­ver­sa­ti­on with.
Mari­el­la­El­la is not that kind of per­son. I’m sure tal­king to her can be a walk in the park. But she is able to ask ques­ti­ons whe­re­of I don’t have a tiny clue how to ans­wer them:

mariella

Well, asto­nis­hin­gly enough it’s the boys she fucks. I was told the tas­te depen­ded on what boys ate befo­re. I never thought on how to make it beco­me deli­cious. This seems to be her topic. A topic girls talk about? For what? To expe­ri­ence boys depen­ding on their tas­te?

And also the­re are boys to crea­te a “chai-esque” tas­te? AND it has a ting­ling after-effect? What else are the­se guys able to crea­te? I’m com­for­ta­ble in not being able to com­pe­te with tho­se super­he­roes or James Bonds but this seems to be way bey­ond my capa­ci­ties, too!

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The boy’s taste

I used to think for a long time that I was able to get into a good con­ver­sa­ti­on with peop­le having the stran­gest opi­ni­ons. And it took qui­te a while befo­re I reco­gni­zed that that was an over­esti­ma­ti­on of my capa­ci­ties. The­re are peop­le I’m too unwil­ling to get into con­ver­sa­ti­on with.
Mari­el­la­El­la is not that kind of per­son. I’m sure tal­king to her can be a walk in the park. But she is able to ask ques­ti­ons whe­re­of I don’t have a tiny clue how to ans­wer them:

mariella

Well, asto­nis­hin­gly enough it’s the boys she fucks. I was told the tas­te depen­ded on what boys ate befo­re. I never thought on how to make it beco­me deli­cious. This seems to be her topic. A topic girls talk about? For what? To expe­ri­ence boys depen­ding on their tas­te?

And also the­re are boys to crea­te a “chai-esque” tas­te? AND it has a ting­ling after-effect? What else are the­se guys able to crea­te? I’m com­for­ta­ble in not being able to com­pe­te with tho­se super­he­roes or James Bonds but this seems to be way bey­ond my capa­ci­ties, too!

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The moment after

Heinz Erhardt, an old ger­man come­di­an (yes, the­re are some), did once a play that only con­sists of wor­ds with the let­ter “G” (“Gera­de Gewürz­gur­ken geges­sen.”). Well, ger­man humour nowa­days is still so seda­te, a play like that would never have star­ted this way:

geradegut

In english: “Just fucked well. fboes shags excel­lent­ly. Sad­ly I didn’t come. But I got used to that. Gree­tings and kis­ses.”
The­se are 5 sen­ten­ces and what is unusual­ly in ger­man: Alt­hough they are very short they tell dif­fe­rent things.
So there’s Tif­fy and she has a sexu­al rela­ti­ons­hip to fboes, who is qui­te good in bed accord­ing to her. Good for her, good for him. This time she didn’t come. And she’s used to that. Used to what? That fboes doesn’t care about her in bed? That she’s not com­ing with him? That sex ends abrupt­ly so that both have to car­ry on tal­king about what hap­pend in twit­ter? Ouuuuhh.
fboes doesn’t seem to be much of a tal­ker. He’s not tal­king about Tif­fy or even to Tif­fy on twit­ter, alt­hough he’s her only con­tact on twit­ter (One day I’m going to find out what this only-having-one-person-to-follow-thing is all about).
But Tif­fy seems to be hap­py with the situa­ti­on. Good. I guess.

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The arousement

I thought I had reached a boar­der during the last weeks. Do you remem­ber Mr bou­vierm? I thought that game thing was over. Do you remem­ber Ellen? I thought that sho­wing yours­elf thing was over.

I am so stu­pid.

The­re seems to be some­thing in the­se things I still haven’t got­ten into. There’s still the ten­si­on of com­bi­ning the­se things. Let’s have ano­t­her try to under­stand it.

This is Cel­tic­Frog. I don’t know what a cel­tic frog is, do you? Also I don’t wan­na pre­tend after having goog­led all that can be found, that this con­cept belongs to my know­ledge. It just doesn’t. And I don’t miss it. May­be she has a like for the cel­tic cul­tu­re. May­be she thinks she looks like a frog. May­be cel­tic frogs are spe­cial ani­mals taken from a star trek epi­so­de we all haven’t seen.

Any­way, Cel­tic­Frog obvious­ly has a fri­end. And she mis­ses him from time to time. And if you still got Mr. bou­vierm in your mind or Ms. Ellen, you could alre­ady guess what’s com­ing up:

At first glance I thought this was the see­min­gly new usa­ge of “to mas­tur­ba­te”, intro­du­ced by Goog­le:

But no, appar­ent­ly Cel­tic­Frog is plan­ning some kind of erotic game for the night, which does not fit into her boyfriend’s plans. Somehow.

No, I don’t want to go down that road tel­ling you that her guy is try­ing to avo­id to take part in her games.

He’ll defi­net­ly know she’s play­ing that kind of games in the inter­net as well.

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